So I have been avoiding this post for some time now…and I think it’s only because of my own fear and denial.
That’s the thing about my little space here on the internet, I am constantly torn between and debating how much of my personal information you want to hear about compared to my outfits and fashion. I debate back and forth thinking that personal tribulations make a person more relatable whereas maybe you don’t want to hear about the stuff I am dealing with because you probably have enough of your own to deal with.
Nonetheless I believe it is time to post about this, if only to just help myself express my feelings. Near the end of September when I was stressed and busy with my pageant, a moment occurred that I had dreaded all my life. A unplanned discovery and a moment when my heart sank to the floor.
What is that I feel in my breast? a lump…
Breast cancer runs pretty strong in my family, my grandmother has had problems with tumors, my aunt died of breast cancer at the early age of 43, and the list goes on into our ancestry and family tree. It has always been one of those things I expected…eventually. I am constantly checking for lumps, I knew one day it would be something I would encounter…but not now…not at only 24 years old.
I did my best not to think about this foreign thing in my breast that night, I think I spent about 5+ hours on WebMD reading all about the possibilities of my mass. I ran into my office the next day, closed all the doors and made my mother feel it just so I knew my imagination wasn’t playing tricks on me. No tricks, it was there, she felt it too. My mother began to tell me how it was probably a cyst, a liquid sack or a calcium deposit, something that was no big deal and would probably go away. But I had a feeling, a horrible achy feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wasn’t any of those.
The next moments calling the doctors office to schedule my appointment were very fuzzy. All I could make out was “I have a lump” I remember the nurse saying something along the lines of “you’re too young for that” I know am I , I thought to myself. They couldn’t get me in for another week…after Miss Michigan. Looking back I don’t really remember how I got through the week of pageant prep and afterwards leading up to the doctors appointment. I guess it probably was a good thing I was busy with the pageant.
I got the same reaction from my doctor that I received from the nurse and my mother. “Your too young for breast tumors, it’s probably just a cyst or liquid sack.” As twisted as it sounds I almost wanted to laugh in the doctors face when she felt it, “oh no that’s a hard lump, you need an ultrasound.” My feelings are usually right but people doubt me because I am young. So they scheduled my appointment for an ultrasound in the cancer center in the hospital. Not a place I pictured myself going to at 24. Everyone at the cancer center was almost in shock that I was there. Trust me, I don’t want to be here.
Everything about hospitals and cancer centers is a process. I don’t really know much of what has happened over the past few months, a lot of appointments and sitting in a gown in a room, waiting for someone to come in just so they can start with “oh you’re young.” yeah thanks I know. It hasn’t been easy. Go in for an ultrasound. They tell me it’s a mass and I need to see the breast center. Wait for new patient appointment with breast center. Wait for appointment with oncologist. Appointment with oncologist was finally there.
It’s been one big waiting game but the moments waiting for the oncologist to walk in my room seemed to take about 50,000 years. I was seriously hoping for a woman but in walked a man. But he had kind eyes, seemed to be very genuine and then I learned he came highly recommended. A tumor. A word I had been scared of since I felt the lump the first time. It needed to be biopsied to determine if it was pre-cancerous or cancerous. My mind swirled with a million emotions but there was only one thing I could think of.
My aunt was 40 years old when she discovered the lump in her breast…she was breast feeding her newly born son. She went through the same process I did. Appointment. Wait. Appointment. Wait. Appointment. They tell her it’s a tumor and needs to be biopsied. She had it biopsied, they determined it was benign but that she needed to still have regular mammograms to watch it. Three years later it was full stage cancer and there was no amount of chemo or radiation to help. I wasn’t taking my chances with anything.
“I want it out!” the only words I was able to make out to the oncologist as he waited for my decision and concerns.
My surgery is tomorrow/today (7am) By the time you read this I will hopefully be out of surgery and recovering. The mass will be removed along with some of the surrounding tissue. As soon as it is out it will be sent to be biopsied and I will again begin the waiting game for the phone call. A phone call that could change my life forever.
I think from the moment I told my family I needed to go in for an ultrasound they have been in denial. “It’s not a big deal, you will be fine.” Or maybe they just act like it’s not a big deal to calm my nerves about it. Well let me tell you, it’s not working. The truth is I feel more lost and alone than ever before… and I am scared…to death.
The truth is I can’t begin to explain my thoughts. {I’m going to have a scar on my breast for the rest of my life, what if they take a lot of the surrounding tissue with the lump…will I be lopsided…will my breast look disfigured, what if it turns out to be cancer, how much radiation will I need, what if I die, I don’t understand how this is happening to me, the sympathetic looks are the worst, I don’t want to lose my hair…or my breasts, I don’t know how long I can fight for, selfish as it may be if I die first I won’t have to endure losing those close to me, there are so many things I would miss, I am never going to feel the same way again…}
The whole experience regardless of what it turns out to be, has made me evaluate my life. Your life suddenly shifts a different way than normal and your eyes open to realize how precious this life we have on earth is. The things that are truly important have taken priority and the unimportant things don’t seem to matter or to have any relevance. You realize there is not much to fear when faced with the greatest fear on earth. The clichés and quotes always seem to take heart when you read them but the feeling of not knowing where your life could go is a whole new way to hit your heart. It truly has come as a blessing to me, a blessing that I hopefully will forever hold the same feelings. I wish I could give the outlook to each of you, without the fear, a gift to open your eyes to your life.
Life doesn’t always go how you want it to. Chances are you might not live to 99 like you planned, your life just might stop short at 24. You might not get the opportunity to marry the love of your life or watch your children grow up. So make sure the ones you love are all that matter at the end of the day. The fear that holds you back from doing what you love and want to do shouldn’t exist, don’t let it control you. Life truly is too short, don’t take it for granted and don’t wait for death to be the reason you open your eyes to it all.
I hope you all have a wonderful week, I will be posting depending on how I feel and if my internet is recovered. I am sorry for such a heavy post for the week. Take a second to appreciate the small things today and this week.
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